I did this to myself and I'm still somehow surprised

Intro

Since the awareness of mental health issues has grown these past few years, there are people who are also using their bad behavior on their own fucked up brain. Apparently, self-diagnosis delulu is pretty much trululu these days.

I have been diagnosed with several mental health issues for three years. I can see more coming, but my psychiatrist told me, “Kita tackle the issues satu satu ok?” Haha, I guessed I’m fucked anyway, mentally and physically.

There are so many facets of me being mentally fucked and having the inability to align intention with actions.

The issues

Okay, for the million Ringgit question: If I make multiple mistakes and all I can think to do is apologize and just do my best next time, then IS THAT ALL I can do to take accountability/responsibility for my disability? My mental disability means that no therapy or a bloody sertraline can get rid of these symptoms. Hell, people will always judge, and I dgaf about other people.

But what if my actions are hurting the people I love the most?

I’m asking this so that that person understands that I am not lying about my mentally deteriorated brain function or that I am "using it as an excuse," but I am also asking it so I know I am literally doing all that I can truly do about it. But it never feels enough.

What is accountability?

Ok peeps, real talk. When something goes wrong in your life, like you overcooked your Maggi Kari, for example, what’s your first instinct? Do you blame the stove for getting too hot, or do you take a breather and say to yourself, “I really shouldn’t scroll for too long on TikTok while waiting for it to cook.”

There are HUGE differences between blame and taking accountability. But blame is easy, right? Blame is comfortable; blame has snacks.

Accountability is having a conversation with yourself, but frankly, even some versions of us are a terrible company, especially when hit with uncomfortable truths.

Here’s a thing, sometimes shit happens, nope, not our fault, zero hand in it, period.

But for real, sometimes we already can see that chaos is incoming, hitting like a wrecking ball, but we still tralala entered the room while humming Despacito.

That’s my point today, bestie. How shifting to a mindset of accountability, not self-punishment, not a guilt spiral, but a good ol’ owning the shit, can quietly improve mental health and wellbeing (hopefully).

Spoiler: It's less about beating yourself up and more about finally being the main character of your own story. The kind who actually learns things. Eventually.

The catch: It takes a lifetime to learn and improve, but who says I’d last that long?

The solulu

After intense sessions of reading and researching, and stuck at the same sentences for at least 10 minutes while planning lunch on Thursday next week, and rereading the whole thing all over again, and then immediately forgetting what the hell I just read, I decided to do better than I already have been doing.

I’m not the sort of person who likes to blame and shame people too frequently. I’ve always acknowledged every time I fucked up, “Yep, that’s me. Guilty.” But I also rarely learned my lessons and keep fucking up, same old same old. Ignoring every red flag like they were decorative.

But here's what I've slowly, painfully, and somewhat reluctantly learned:

1.        Self-assessment.

Question. Basically: how often are you choosing your reactions versus just vibing chaotically and calling it someone else's fault? Because for me, the answer was uncomfortably often. A lot of "they made me feel terrible" was actually "I saw one passive-aggressive text and decided the whole day was canceled." 

It was brutal and genuinely humbling. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend. 

2.        Identifying the patterns

WHY do you do the things you do? And I don't mean the version of yourself you roast in a Discord group chat at 2am. I mean the real stuff. Why in actual hell did I keep doing things I knew would hurt me? Why did I walk into the same wall repeatedly and act surprised every single time? 

The goal isn't self-analysis paralysis. It's finding the root cause and actually digging the shit out, not just trimming the leaves and wondering why the same mess keeps growing back.

3.        Just. Let. Go.

What happened, happened. You cannot go back. You can't edit it, CTRL+ALT+DEL it, or file a formal complaint with the universe about how deeply unfair it was — even though it was, and we all know it. Can't say my brain didn't keep replaying the worst things I did at 17 at exactly 5.03pm on a random Monday, like it's running a cinema screening that exclusively shows the greatest hits of my most regrettable moments. No previews. No popcorn. Just suffering.

Acknowledge it. Own the shit. Learn from it. Put it down. You're not going backward. There's nothing back there. Just stop looking.

And then comes the really fun part.

I can't say I've done all the self-analyzing neatly or efficiently. Honestly, it took me 7 to 14 business days just to gather my thoughts, and then I'd forget, start over, and get lost somewhere between "I really need to pee" and "wait, has that toothpaste always been beside the kitchen sink?"

Exhausting. But I did it. Yay me.

Then I wrote everything down because I knew it would get lost somewhere between my hippocampus and my amygdala otherwise, and that's just not a risk I could afford anymore.

Sitting alone with my thoughts is genuinely hard. But I forced myself to face the uncomfortable truth. A lot of things that were hurting me were things I kept choosing. Voluntarily. Repeatedly. With full knowledge of the consequences.

Toxic relationships that drained me dry. Habits that numbed me into a comfortable little void. Thought patterns that had me fully convinced I was the main tragic protagonist of a documentary nobody asked for.

It took a while. Probably two lifetimes' worth of while. But here's the reframe that actually changed things for me: I'm not responsible for everything that happens to me — but I am absolutely responsible for what I do next.

That's it. That's the whole she-bang.

I'm not trying to be perfect. Perfect is a myth and also exhausting. I just want to be accountable, honest enough to say "yeah, that was partly me, and here's what I'm doing about it." Not blaming less. Not punishing myself on repeat.

Just owning it like it's already in my search history.

Outro

Yes, accountability is not glamorous. It's not a glow-up montage. I'm out here alone, admitting I had a part in things and deciding to do something about it — ideally before my next mental health diagnosis, whose acronym ends with another "D", arrives.

References
Balaisis N. (2023), Using Mental Health as an Excuse for Bad Behavior  
Whiteside P. (2023), Being accountable for mental health
Childers L. (2025), What does it mean to hold yourself accountable?
Goodwin J. (2020),  Let’s Talk About… Accountability